He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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