I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
they need to just BURY HIM!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
