i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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