Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
