i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
