My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
