I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
