I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
