It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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