I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
