My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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