"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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