dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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