you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize