i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
