Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
