a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
