Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
