Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
