The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
