We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
COCAINE IS GR8
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
