my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize