What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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