Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize