I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
