hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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