I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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