Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
