You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
