matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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