I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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