its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Drunk is not a location!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
