they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
