Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
