her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
