If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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