I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
