My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
