I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
