I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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