Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
