I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
