There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
