A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
