some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
