i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I need to align my fucking chakras
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
