she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So. Much. Porn.
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