A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
