so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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