When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
