it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
