sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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