So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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