He kissed a someone with a penis
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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