He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
