i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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