Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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