how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
