My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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