It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
