Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
