Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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