I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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