I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
