id be glad to
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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